Mistakes

If there was one mistake that can be purely attributed to me, it would be when I dismissed somebody's declaration of interest in front of so an audience.

Some days, I still see how that person stood there staring at me after my callous reaction. I wish I can go back and change how I handled that. I wish I can tell him that it was my insecurity that stopped me from believing him.

Unfortunately, it's a mistake that I have to learn to live with. But I refuse to allow that mistake to further hinder me from finding happiness because of my need to punish myself as repentance.

Here, I look back to retrace my steps after that night.

In my self-proclaimed period of repentance by avoiding emotional intimacy, I was able to accomplish quite a lot of things. I was able to see the world, to be a part of the greatest city on earth, to meet different people, and to understand a little bit about myself.

When I dismissed him, I was justifying to myself that he was not good enough for me. It was only during my travels that I was able to admit that he was too good for me and I do not feel secure enough to accept someone like him in my life. Yes. I was that insecure.

In the process of self-repentence, I began to hate myself and refused to take care of myself.

I was so angry, so resentful, so ungrateful, so cynical, so frustrated, and so disappointed with the universe. Just when I found this great person and the opportunity to be with someone like him, the universe just didn't conspire enough for it to happen. If it was not bad enough, the universe set forth events that involved him to hurt me. Not physically hurt me, hurt me. Okay?

Just in the emotional and psychological sense, I guess.

It still hurts me to think about everything. Where I used to live and to work, almost everything reminded me of him. It got to a point that consciously shutting memories of him out because too much. Too overwhelming for me to deal with. I think I snapped. I just left a job with the person who is number one in the profession, packed up, and left for another island where I do not know anyone. My life is that uncertain.

Everyday, I question my move. I literally do not know what tomorrow will bring.

I just have to try to keep feeling grateful, I guess.

It just hurts too much.