Mistakes

If there was one mistake that can be purely attributed to me, it would be when I dismissed somebody's declaration of interest in front of so an audience.

Some days, I still see how that person stood there staring at me after my callous reaction. I wish I can go back and change how I handled that. I wish I can tell him that it was my insecurity that stopped me from believing him.

Unfortunately, it's a mistake that I have to learn to live with. But I refuse to allow that mistake to further hinder me from finding happiness because of my need to punish myself as repentance.

Here, I look back to retrace my steps after that night.

In my self-proclaimed period of repentance by avoiding emotional intimacy, I was able to accomplish quite a lot of things. I was able to see the world, to be a part of the greatest city on earth, to meet different people, and to understand a little bit about myself.

When I dismissed him, I was justifying to myself that he was not good enough for me. It was only during my travels that I was able to admit that he was too good for me and I do not feel secure enough to accept someone like him in my life. Yes. I was that insecure.

In the process of self-repentence, I began to hate myself and refused to take care of myself.

I was so angry, so resentful, so ungrateful, so cynical, so frustrated, and so disappointed with the universe. Just when I found this great person and the opportunity to be with someone like him, the universe just didn't conspire enough for it to happen. If it was not bad enough, the universe set forth events that involved him to hurt me. Not physically hurt me, hurt me. Okay?

Just in the emotional and psychological sense, I guess.

It still hurts me to think about everything. Where I used to live and to work, almost everything reminded me of him. It got to a point that consciously shutting memories of him out because too much. Too overwhelming for me to deal with. I think I snapped. I just left a job with the person who is number one in the profession, packed up, and left for another island where I do not know anyone. My life is that uncertain.

Everyday, I question my move. I literally do not know what tomorrow will bring.

I just have to try to keep feeling grateful, I guess.

It just hurts too much.

Coin Toss

I have an offer I must not refuse.

On one hand, I am still enjoying the freedom of my current circumstance. On the other, my pragmatic side is nudging me to wake up and do something about my career.

I have about 12 days to decide.

What do I do?


I am most aware that I cannot buy peace of mind. It's something I'm finally enjoying here. Taking the job would mean traveling back to the place I escaped from. I'm concerned that I'd freak out again and ditch my responsibilities when I get overwhelmed. I'd get overwhelmed if I return without still being at peace with my demons.

So much to consider. This should have been a no brainer.

To you who had hurt me, congratulations. You've made my life impossible.

ON RENEWING MYSELF

I moved to move on. 

The past two years were exhausting at best and dreadfully agonizing at worst. 

I felt like the entire universe was conspiring against me. It was a stage when I'd take a couple of steps forward only to be pulled back a few steps more backward.

It was literally peppered with unending disappointments and betrayals. 

The Universe, I think, played a series of jokes on me. Maybe it is just leveling the field or whatever. I worked for a lot of the things I've achieved. I paid the prices of those so-called opportunities. I feel it's so unfair that I'd be subjected to those series of dead ends. 

So, yeah, here I am. I moved to another island to find myself without all that noise generated in that other island. 

I moved to another island where I don't have any friends here. Literally, a new start. I'm still trying to feel my way around. I'm still learning the ropes of the culture of the place. It's a brand new canvass for me. Sometimes, I feel like such a tourist/foreigner in my own country. But, hey, I also feel like my explorations are showing me newer things. Some days, I take a few wrong turns while driving. Asking for directions can be a pain because of the language barrier. 

See, however, I am in a new place where no one knows me and no one will send me bad vibes because of professional/personal jealousy. I find peace here. Peace within and without me. 

While my family panics that I am in a new place, I haven't felt this much security in a long long long long while... and, surprisingly, I find that kind of peace and security in a faraway foreign island where life is simple but plentiful.  Can't beat that. 

I moved here to move on from the unnecessary and painful trappings of where I used to be. I will find myself when the time comes. 

For now, I am happily lost.